I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
