I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Of course I have a pirate flag
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
