That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
