He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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