yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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