thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
