just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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