if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
