you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
