Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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