This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
