i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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