Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
