You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
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I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
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Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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