I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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