her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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