My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
