I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I want her autograph on my taint
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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