I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
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