I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
