Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
