wanna go halves on a baby?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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