I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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