Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
