The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
im having a threesome with these popsicles
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
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Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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