Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
