From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
