i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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