i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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