allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
