Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
