the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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