He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Everyone says I win the strip club
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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