I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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