On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
