why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
