there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
