I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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