i just google imaged poop.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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