My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
