I wish I could punch you in the face.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
