So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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