My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
