Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
