Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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