Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
