for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
