He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
fuck your aforementioned shoe
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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