I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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