proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
