When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
