He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I am naked and annoyed.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
