I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
All the doctor said was why
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
