I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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