i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
