I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
