Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
