I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
